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[horn honking]nking ) they've modified a bus to get us out of here! - i knew they'd come back for us!ome bak al - all right! yeah! - look, glen, we're saved!we'rea - all right, i'm turning around. i' - why are they turning? - what are they doing? don't leave us! - let's hope to christ this works. hope to - ♪ california love fonia ♪ ♪ california ♪ is nice to the homeless ♪is nice ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the ♪ city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by m
tired. i'm using him for medical advice. - i'm sorry, who are you? - well, if you have an orthodontist in here, i've been using a couple chiclets as teeth in the back. - also, i have caffeinis. caffeine-penis. when i drink too many cappucinis, my penis becomes useless. - i can't really address that right now. i have a 16-year-old pregnant girl in the other room that i really need to get to. - and i have bagel-induced cholesterol. - right. so you're having some pain in your shoulder? - yeah. - okay, can i, um... - okay. - yeah, it's-- - [whimpers] - i barely touched it. - oh, boy! - okay, so it's very tender. - eeeh-aaah. - okay. i'm getting a very strong ammonia smell over here. - oh, that's 'cause i let my cat piss on me for health. - he has a little tabby named judd hirsch. - so how did you hurt your shoulder? it seems... - oh! - you may have dislocated it. - this guy decked me 'cause the blacks liked me more. - yeah, we were playing basketball with these awful black guys, and he displeased me, so i took him out. - yeah. - you know, i am actually legally bound to report any instances
's desert seas ♪ a carbon date with destiny ♪ american dinosaurs ♪ standing firm beside us in her wars ♪ ♪ with your ample dino crack ♪ crapping glory on iraq ♪ take back what is rightfully yours-- ♪ screw you, osama! ♪ american dinosaurs ♪ there's oh, heroic petrel s'mores ♪ ♪ over hills and on the plains ♪ god bless your tiny brains ♪ we the people are your dinowhore ♪ ♪ you have saved ♪ god bless america ♪ you have saved and all the dinos sang. [groaning, grunting noises] - thank you, dinosaurs! - thank you, new york! - thank you, comedy central! - thank you, new york! - thank you, new york! - thank you so much. we're hard 'n phirm. captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author helaine olen. she's going to talk about her book "pound foolish"
his and my weight tumbled us right into the damn pacific ocean. here i am in the middle of the ocean dressed in a suit with my gators on. i'm like, "hell no. thanks a lot. now i'm gonna shark buffet. you bastard. why you do that?!" and i said, "what we gonna do?" he looked at me, and looked at me again and jumped out of the water like aqua man. i was like, "wow!" and jumped right back on his jet ski. i said, "damn. what i'm gonna do?" he told me, "now do what i did." i said, "you bastard. if i could do what you did, don't you think i'd have been up there by now?" he said, "well, if you can't jump out of the water, what you should do is get behind your jet ski and press down on it and leapfrog onto your jet ski." [laughter] see, y'all laughing, 'cause you know good and damn well i can't even leapfrog on dry land. how i'm gonna leapfrog in the middle of the ocean? he said, "mr. crawford, i need to you try." i said, "okay, doggone it. i'm gonna try." and i pressed down. and i pressed down. and my blood sugar got low. and i said, "you know what, just go on without me. i gues
to be confirmed as secretary of defense until the white house gives us an accounting. i want to know what our president did. what did he do as commander in chief? did he call anybody? >> jon: you said after panetta. hagel has nothing to do with benghazi which is as good as any other reason i've heard to confirm him. get the other guy out of there, right? months of media inquiries and any number of classified briefings. keep pursuing it. that's fine but why bring the country's business to a halt? you know who is not going to put up with this your pal johnny mccain because he lives by a different code. in a time of trouble and danger for our country, who will put our country first? [crowd responds john mccain] >> jon: they just shouted something at him. that's right john mccain doesn't have time, graham, for your cheap political games. he will get this train back on track like the straight talk express. >> i do not believe we should move forward with this nomination until questions are answered that senator graham and senator ayotte and i have asked to be answered. [laughter] >> jon: what the h
Search Results 0 to 4 of about 5